Welcome to the Women jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Women's secrets |
Category: WomenRating: 4 0
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing
whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman,"
said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest.
"I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has
kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it
forever."
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| Beer and estrogen |
Category: WomenRating: 2 0
In a recent scientific research project, it was proved
that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen.
That's why after a six pack you can't drive.
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| Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't |
Category: WomenRating: 2 0
Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:
1. Bleed for a week and not die.
2. Give milk without eating grass
3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!
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| Miracle Bra Alternative |
Category: WomenRating: 2 0
Miracle Bra Alternative
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This
does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself, asking
him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining
that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
want your breasts to
grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
your breasts for a few
seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts
everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
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| Space shuttle mission to the Moon |
Category: WomenRating: 1 0
There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman
on board.
The headquarters in the US calls:
"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2
report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to
add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection,
the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please
report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is
about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed
the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."
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| One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound... |
Category: WomenRating: 1 0
One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound
box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
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| The woman's secret |
Category: WomenRating: 1 1
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women
were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a
secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my
age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
|
| What kind of a woman |
Category: WomenRating: 1 0
"Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John
"Yes, I will." Paula replied.
"Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked.
"Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you."
she answered with a wink.
"How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John.
"Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly.
"That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the
price!"
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| Why did the Avon lady walk funny? |
Category: WomenRating: 1 0
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick.
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| Why do they call it PMS? |
Category: WomenRating: 1 0
Why do they call it PMS?
Mad Cow disease was already taken.
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| Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven... |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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| Why did god invent alcohol? |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
Why did god invent alcohol?
- So fat women can get laid too.
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| Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist... |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck
inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"
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| Excuses for refusing dates |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
Age EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
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| One of the life's mysteries |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a
woman gain five pounds.
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| What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
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| How is a woman like a road? |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
How is a woman like a road?
-Both have manholes.
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| Why do female parachutists wear tampons? |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down...
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| Whats the definition of a perfect woman? |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
Whats the definition of a perfect woman ?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head
so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a
roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.
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| little girl walks into the bathroom... |
Category: WomenRating: 0 0
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just
come out of the shower.
The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks "What's that?"
Her sister replies "That is my possum, sis!"
The young girl replies "Oh, OK"
The next day she sees her mother get out of the shower and a pointing
at her pussy again
asks "What's that?"
Her mother replies "That's my possum!"
The young girl again replies "Oh, OK"
The next day she sees her grandmother getting out of the shower and
once again pointing at
her pussy asks "What's that?"
The grandmother replies "That's my possum!"
The young girl replies "Oh, grandmother, is your possum dead?"
The grandmother, looking a little dazzled replies "No, deary, why do
you ask?"
The young girl replies "Oh, its just that your possums tongue is
sticking out!"
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