Welcome to the Travel jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Magician and Parrot |
Category: TravelRating: 2 0
Magician and Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over
again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows
each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started
shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the
flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades
?" The magician
was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at
each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and
another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
|
| I am called a Princess |
Category: TravelRating: 1 0
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if
you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now
put the tray up, Bitch."
|
| The Zen Master is visiting New York City... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my
change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
|
| The subway car was packed... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were
forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing,
I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check
in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job,
because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
|
| This lady who was living in New York City had to get back... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to
her old country but she was broke.
One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker
getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.
"Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded.
"If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way
across the ocean."
Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag
and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was
hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day,
I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed.
This went on for about a week when by accident the captain
found her.
"Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the
story to the captain who busted up laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" she demanded.
He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry."
|
| Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who
turned on the fucking lights!"
"Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the
breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"
|
| A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I
was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"
|
| Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12
point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing
that Sam had returned alone.
"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left
him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
|
| From a Southwest Airlines employee.... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."
|
| Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that
he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,
"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."
|
| Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under
it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries
starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He
says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
|
| Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.
They were discussing the fact that if they go
for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes,
but if they take the cigarettes with them, they
will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl
walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top
of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry
cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The
ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep
your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside
of a condom."
The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a
condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of
the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."
|
| Thank you..thank you very much! |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me
face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn
around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank
you very much!"
|
| Playing tabla |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on
the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was
patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she
was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around
& told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".
Sent by Sowmya
|
| There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane... |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and
exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to
show your ticket here, not your stub."
|
| Room Service |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and
roomservice at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS : "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
Have a good day
|
| A great way to spend eternity |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,
one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been
discovered. They had died in the act of making love.
"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.
"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the
husband.
|
| A delicacy |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."
|
| Happens |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one
is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all
love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who
probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was canceled. A
single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the
gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."
|
| My car |
Category: TravelRating: 0 0
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out
and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears
some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of
his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the
man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
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