Welcome to the Sports jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| 31??..32??? |
Category: SportsRating: 2 0
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,
followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't
win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at
this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times
seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-
one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
|
| A difficult golf game |
Category: SportsRating: 1 1
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours
late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to
the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead
of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball,
drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."
|
| When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven... |
Category: SportsRating: 1 0
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
"Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see
the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back
in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game."
"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry
Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered.
"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy."
So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's
office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..."
"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain."
"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!"
"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord.
"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and
I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it
was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took
my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..."
"And that's when you took my name in vain?"
"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..."
"So, that is when you took my name in vain?"
"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches
of the hole..."
"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"
|
| A Blind Mans Sport |
Category: SportsRating: 1 1
A Blind Mans Sport
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all
done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
|
| A man was playing a game of golf... |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right
into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he
picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying
the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says "thank you for not
disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have
a full supply of butter".
"Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when I hit
the ball into the pussywillows?"
|
| Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score? |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?
Never mind it's pointless.
|
| Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears? |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
Q: Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?
A: How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that "no means no"?
|
| What do the Pope and the Giants have in common? |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
What do the Pope and the Giants have in common?
Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!!
|
| At The Superbowl |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
At The Superbowl
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "no".
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
|
| When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help? |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?
When he's hanging by his teeth.
|
| Why is red the colour of the University of Georgia? |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
Why is "red" the colour of the University of Georgia?
Because they can't spell "crimson" or "scarlet".
|
| A wife begins to get a little worried because... |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived
home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours
pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband
finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened?" says the wife. "You
should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third
hole," replied the husband. "Oh, that's terrible," says the wife. "I
know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry,
hit the ball, drag Harry..."
|
| Weight Control |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
Weight Control
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
|
| The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods... |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees,
then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally,
after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand
trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
|
| The strength of youth |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being
able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several
minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it
thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
|
| Golfing |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."
|
| One day, a fellow went for a ride... |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.
The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.
He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."
|
| What is better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics? |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
Having arms and legs.
|
| Tyson-Holyfield fight |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole
Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet".
"No kidding? How much memory will it take up?".
"Not much, just two Bytes."
|
| Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to... |
Category: SportsRating: 0 0
Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he
sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That
is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification
Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to
which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can
discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the
man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"
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