Welcome to the Situations jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated... |
Category: SituationsRating: 4 0
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side
by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly
and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then
replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
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| Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater... |
Category: SituationsRating: 3 0
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater. "That man beside me is fumbling
his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer. "Easy for you to say. He's using my
hand!".
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| A man let out a humongous burp... |
Category: SituationsRating: 1 0
A man let out a humongous burp. Nearby, a man loudly says,
"How dare you burp before my wife!" The burper replies,
"Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!"
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| A college professor's going to bed with his wife... |
Category: SituationsRating: 1 0
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so
he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading,
and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun
spot... "Kitza kitza..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and
teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the
page."
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| Cop coming upon a young couple making out... |
Category: SituationsRating: 1 1
Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.
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| Santas Diversion |
Category: SituationsRating: 1 0
Santas Diversion
Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was
awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.
Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.
"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed
and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents
you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining
clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please
reconsider? Stay with me?"
With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,
gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping
himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.
"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.
Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"
Sent by Neicey
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| This rich couple were going out for the evening... |
Category: SituationsRating: 1 0
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the
house decided to
give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home
very late and he
should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't
having a good time at the
party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves
sitting by himself
in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him
into the master bedroom,
where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles.
"Jeeves. Take off
my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and
garter." He
silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does
this, the tension
continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you
wearing my clothes
again, you're fired!"
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| A wild party |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as
far away from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one
day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles
over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I
can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with
people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I
wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be
the two of us."
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| Unable to attend the funeral after his father died... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far
away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send
me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next
month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it
was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month,
and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going
on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for
Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
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| Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for
the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and
introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living
room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on
the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring
curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes,"
Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so
that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken
vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no...
I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-
Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but
your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off
his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
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| A man decided to have a face lift... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
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| It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,
were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught
between towns during a driving snow storm.
The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally
slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.
They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a short
conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to
convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.
She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe and
Morey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.
Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest room
for Abe and Morey.
The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully
pulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.
Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.
Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by some
chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown's
bedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and
hawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he
admitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phone
number as his own.
Where upon Abe said, "That explains this letter from her lawyer saying
she has left her entire estate to me!"
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| A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla
sitting on a barstool.
The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was
doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He
took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head
with it. The animal instantly dropped down and
gave the bartender blow job.
The Bartender then asked the man if he would like
to try it.
The man said "Sure, but please don't hit me quite
so hard".
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| A department store had to call off its special... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August
because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.
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| Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when
one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left
out on the sidewalk.
The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies'
Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and
says, "Man... ou think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"
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| Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has
to take a shit real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down
to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are
occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in
desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and
takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in
the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that
says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...
where is it?"
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| The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman
just passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"
In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to
me?"
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that
every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,
"I just asked the time, miss."
In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if you
say another word!"
Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened
to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and
wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a
quiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,
but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis
on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements."
The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,
"You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?"
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| Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south... |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he
wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he
wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty,
bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said,
"This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who
are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer
laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that
pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig
by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This
here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this
so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and
get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son
returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished
weighing the mailman".
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| African roulette |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the
Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built
us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink
vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The
diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you
want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
"I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
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| Embarrassing moments |
Category: SituationsRating: 0 0
Embarrassing moments The following are the top three
winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*,
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
* Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
2)"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When
we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts,
uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON
LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
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