Welcome to the Sex jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| A few questions and answers |
Category: Sex
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
|
| Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays... |
Category: Sex
Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.
|
| What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of... |
Category: SexRating: 6 0
What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?
Firetruck
|
| Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods... |
Category: SexRating: 5 0
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
|
| Appropriate punishment |
Category: SexRating: 4 0
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?"
|
| The Australian way |
Category: SexRating: 4 0
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid
of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had
been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she
needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near
her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an
Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their
wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the
bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the
room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I
thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
|
| A guy is screwing a great looking blonde... |
Category: SexRating: 3 0
A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"
|
| Sexually active |
Category: SexRating: 3 0
A REDNECK BRINGS HIS DAUGHTER TO THE GYNOCOLOGIST FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
THE DR. ASKS,"IS YOUR DAUGHTER SEXUALLY ACTIVE?"
THE REDNECK SAYS,"NAW, SHE JUST LAYS THERE LIKE HER MOTHER.
Sent by BOBBY
|
| What is worse than a dead dog on your piano? |
Category: SexRating: 3 0
Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.
|
| Two men are discussing the age old question... |
Category: SexRating: 3 0
Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man
or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then
interrupts:
"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little
finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better,
your finger or your ear?"
|
| How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex? |
Category: SexRating: 3 0
How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
|
| Bra sizes |
Category: SexRating: 2 0
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what
the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!
{F} - Fake.
|
| Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City... |
Category: SexRating: 2 1
Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,
and he says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he
runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time
while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get
done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
|
| What's the definition of virginity? |
Category: SexRating: 2 1
Q: What's the definition of virginity?
A: A big issue over a little tissue.
|
| What's the difference between pussy and apple pie? |
Category: SexRating: 2 0
Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie.
|
| Know the difference |
Category: SexRating: 2 0
Man to a woman: Do you know the difference between a blowjob
and a cheeseburger is?
Woman: No
Man: Lets have lunch sometime...
Sent by jim
|
| What's the purpose of a bellybutton? |
Category: SexRating: 7 6
What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.
|
| What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common? |
Category: SexRating: 1 0
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!
|
| It just kills my appetite |
Category: SexRating: 1 1
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to
follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this
Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"
|
| Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire... |
Category: SexRating: 1 0
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her
full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,
his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft
murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly
taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements
deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had
gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy
was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made
only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and again............
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
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