Welcome to the Science Related jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| An academic problem |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 1 0
An academic problem
In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall,
and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk
toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the
girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite
amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close
enough for all practical purposes."
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| Three engineering students were gathered together... |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 1 0
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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| Handy guide to modern science |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 1 0
Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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| New scientific theories VI |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 1 0
New scientific theories
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.
|
| Speaking of spelling, here is a news bulletin... |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and
they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and the "w" with "v."
During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl
vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil
find it easy tu understand each ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
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| How do you embarrass an archeologist? |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
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| Is There a Santa Claus? |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
Is There a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
|
| New scientific theories I |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
New scientific theories
4th RunnerUp-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases
when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
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| What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm... |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm
and a woman's sex life have in common?
They're both concerned with how many
inches and how long it will last.
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| Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore? |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore?
-She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.
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| Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien
Civilization...
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system
at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your
star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other
star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will
receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy
reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
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| English is a Crazy Language |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
English is a Crazy Language
From: Charlie Indelicato
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
|
| New scientific theories III |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
New scientific theories
2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn
to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.
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| A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that
present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially
true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of required
warnings appears below.
Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.
Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles per Hour.
Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.
This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.
Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They
Cannot Be Detected.
Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or
Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.
Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.
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| Marine biology researchers have developed a new method... |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as
possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
|
| Technical Night Before Christmas |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
Technical Night Before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist
among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings,
were
about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon
the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a
cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise
source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this
fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself -
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged
chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have
been
more vertignious velocity than patriotic alar predators, he
vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the
smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius
cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal
appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common
loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like
small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly
between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a
tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in
short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian
gnome,
the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite
every effort to refrain from so being.
By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his
head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt aboutface,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage.
He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral
sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
portions of a common weed.
But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to
his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide
to
the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.
|
| Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer
Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by
accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawl means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the
contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently
California.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants
- in the production of styrofoam
- as a fire retardant
- in many forms of cruel animal research
- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production and
distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of
this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are
conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar
devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of
military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly
sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large
quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination!
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| Buffalo analogy |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
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| New scientific theories V |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
New scientific theories
HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"
his car and invest in "erl wells."
|
| The Three Laws of Thermodynamics |
Category: Science RelatedRating: 0 0
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics
1.You can't win.
2.You can't break even.
3.You can't quit the game.
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