Welcome to the School and College jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Rabbits Ph.D. Thesis |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 2 0
Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis:
A Parable for Graduate Students
Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside
his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the
rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)
Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox
bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the
room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
(The End)
Moral:
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.
|
| A Modest Essay |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 1 0
A Modest Essay
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
|
| MD Qs and As |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"
What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?"
|
| What is the definition of a virgin? |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
What's the definition of a virgin?
an ugly third grader
|
| The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants
Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late
and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it
will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not
have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the
class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following
day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to
reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in
the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class.
LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be
sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of
keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time
stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you
know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable.
Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you
answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing
and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.
GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2
inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that
they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade
assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy
grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer
on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student
B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This
will redirect the heat from you onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the
homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity
available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the
dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for
the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a
leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also
wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you
decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.
CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied
each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of
paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2.
Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving
incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in
incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective
include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and
Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap
bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device.
"Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard
drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY
Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running
Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming
says that you can write any computer program using only three basic
control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing.
LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to
assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up
with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet."
"My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last
week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm
using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the
monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and
it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do
anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P:
"The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they
have to earn its respect first.
|
| How to write a paper |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
How to write a paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If
your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one
of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in
a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so
you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's
over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to your other favourite cd.
11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the
university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savorits special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than
12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of
the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's
Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-
coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
|
| Are You About to Employ a Robot? |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
Are You About to Employ a Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology
Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are
recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a
Liberal Arts major.
Tear off here, and administer test below to students
----------------------------------
Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
3. On weekends, I go to _____
0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
4. My favorite hobby is _____
0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
5. I have taken ______ English classes.
0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto10
6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with
Cray 2 Supercomputer
7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
8. In between classes, I like to _____
0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on
my calculator
9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____
0) My manual typewriter
1) The school's word processor
2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
11. The best use of a computer is _____
0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
13. What part of speech is "interface"?
0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
14. What do you consider to be paradise?
0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
15. What type of music do you like?
0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
16. What is your favorite game?
0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
17. My favorite Movie show is _____
0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
0) Write it on my arm
1) Derive it during test
2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
19. The person I marry must have_____
0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
20. What I fear the most is _____
0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water
--------------------------------
Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot!!!
|
| Mrs. Prussy |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and
their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name
is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.
The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered
her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his
enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"
|
| Little Johnny was in his math's class one day... |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher
singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary,
$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
|
| Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test
(the S.A.P.)
ENGLISH
1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above
2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak
3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red
4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak
READING COMPREHENSION
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media
2. The term "most Western" means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct
3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above
MATHEMATICS
1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5
2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only
3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The
pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of
mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above
/50 6/
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ __/ 2
of the figure at the right. / 2 |
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only / |
d. the answer is a 9 /7 |10
e. go back, it's a / 8__|
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it
will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
|
| What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits? |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
A: 20 class rings fell out.
|
| Should you have any questions during the exam... |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
Should you have any questions during the exam,
just raise your hand. This should cause enough
blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.
|
| How does physics save lives? |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A
pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this
stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
|
| Nature of Hell |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:
#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
#2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
|
| American University Grading Procedures |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
American University Grading Procedures
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELEGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
|
| A penis study |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was
larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
|
| A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students... |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a
naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches
he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect
penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She
replied, "What other way?"
|
| In the Sex Ed class the teacher says... |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
|
| While attending a spelling session in school one day... |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"
The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."
Darla replies..."D-U-M-B"
The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."
The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"
Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."
Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"
The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."
The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"
No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell
the word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that word
in a sentence?"
Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can."
"I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."
|
| Disprove this! |
Category: School and CollegeRating: 0 0
A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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