Welcome to the Ouch! jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| How did Captain Hook die? |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 1 0
Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.
|
| St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 1 0
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were
a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the
Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most
of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where
near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger
halo?"
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
|
| A game of golf |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 1 0
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner
wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his
friend.
"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I
thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that
every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went
over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I
called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And
the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
|
| Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 1 0
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been
for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife
turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our
savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run
over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car
rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down
recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it
all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.
|
| A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 1 0
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new
territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties
all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that
horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
He Salesman says, "why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
|
| The third wish |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 1 0
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a
magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie
said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's
first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF**
He was instantly transported out. He then wished
for all the gold in the world. **POOF**
The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the
world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles,
etc. The man could not think of anything for his
third wish, so he went out for a ride in his
Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few
minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to
sing along:
'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'
|
| A young girl sees her father in the shower... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 1 0
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his
testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he
tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything
about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
|
| I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and
said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
I said, "Of course I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Then fuck off."
|
| The definition of a phallic symbol |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks "Whats a failic symbol?
Doctor says "you're kidding.."
Girl says "no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???"
Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is a
failic symbol!"
Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"
|
| A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy.
Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak
to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
|
| This guy walks in to a bathroom... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign
that says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". So
the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.
|
| A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the
den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with
my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
|
| Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing
up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
|
| A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited
for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he
replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area."
|
| The blind date had not been all that great and... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was
relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he
suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could
respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing
that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design,
does it also come in men's sizes ?
|
| A big bird |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it
out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet
above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.
He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters
look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the
other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?
|
| A really bad, terrible mistake |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or
what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little
embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.
Will you do it?"
Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I
don't understand it, but OK."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the
bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an
operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple
task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was
operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went
ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be
circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"
|
| Father of my children |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather
hot blond behind him has just smiled "Hello" to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him...
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from...
so he says ..."Sorry....do you know me?"
She replies... "I may be mistaken... but I thought you might be the
father... of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap".... he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party
that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends.... while
your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up
my behind?"
"No".... she replies..... "I'm your son's teacher."
|
| I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with... |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?"
|
| Changed my mind! |
Category: Ouch!Rating: 0 0
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
don't you go behind these bushes".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,
thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
|
Pages:
|
|
