Welcome to the Music jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| What's Britney Spears' next career goal? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
What's Britney Spears' next career goal?
To learn how to sing.
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| What is the difference between an orchestra and a bull?? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull??
The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.
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| Why are girls like pianos? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
Why are girls like pianos?
When they're not upright, they're grand...
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| Dictionary of Musical Terms |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
Dictionary of Musical Terms
JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA : People singing when they should be talking.
RAP : People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it's not the house next door.
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| Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend... |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
Consider the following:
Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a
crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart,
I need a new G string!"
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| Proffessional Terms II |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost
always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've
heard men refer to their "performance". Well, even these days I don't
have a lot of trouble with that.
But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and
tuffer.
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| What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
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| A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers... |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how
to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store,
walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over
there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny,
and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got
to stay".
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| A certain young lady named Rowell... |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
A certain young lady named Rowell
Had a musical bent to her bowel.
With a good plate of beans
Tucked under her jeans
She could play To a Wild Rose by MacDowell.
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| Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting... |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: I was a doctor.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the
kitchen...
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| How can you tell when a drummer's at the door (part 2)? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in
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| What's the least-used sentence in the English language? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
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| What's a accordion good for? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
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| Proctology findings |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good
proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and
practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork
in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music
starts playing!
". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...".
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor
guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again,
". . . On the road again . . ."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the
most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
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| What do you call a musician without a significant other? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other?
A. Homeless.
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| What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?
A gentleman.
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| How can you tell a drummer's at the door? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
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| Grave music |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he
starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he
leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with
him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When
they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are
being played in the reverse order in which they were
composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for
the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's
just decomposing!"
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| What happens when you sing country and western music backwards? |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?
You get your wife and your job back.
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| A secretary... |
Category: MusicRating: 0 0
A secretary, who works in an office with my daughter's friend,
Commented at lunch that it was such a shame that the spice
girls couldn't stay together considering they are sisters and all.
There was silence for a bit, then someone told her that they
weren't sisters. She said, " Of course they are, they have the
same last name." She Has unofficially been named "Dumb
Spice"
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