Welcome to the Men jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? |
Category: MenRating: 2 0
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
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| Why did God give men larger brains than dogs? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
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| Lots of words |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving.
They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
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| What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
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| FAVORITE FANTASY |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
FAVORITE FANTASY
Age Fantasy
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
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| DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Age Succesful Date
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
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| What is the most insensitive part of a penis? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
- The man
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| Favorite HOUSE PET |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
HOUSE PET
Age Pet
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
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| SCHEDULE OF A MAN |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
A MAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for
work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out
car.
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries.
Pass gas.
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall
asleep.
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women"
online. Pass gas.
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| What do men and pantyhose have in common? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
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| True love |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
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| Why is psycho- analysis so much easier for men rather than women? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Q. Why is psycho- analysis so much easier for men rather
than women?
A. Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, men
are already there.
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| What did the man say when he walked... |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Q:What did the man say when he walked
into a bar?
A:OUCH!
Sent by Sarah
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| How is a man like a snow fall? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
How is a man like a snow fall?
-You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
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| Guyness Quiz |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Guyness Quiz
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.
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| Why don't men get mad cow disease? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
A woman asks: "Why don't men get mad cow disease?"
Another woman replies: "Because men are pigs!"
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| This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample... |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front
desk says to him:
"Thank you for coming."
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| Why a man cannot eat like a bird? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
Why can't a man eat like a bird?
Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?
Sent by Chris
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| What is a macho man? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
What is a macho man?
After getting a blow job, he asks the woman,
'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'
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| How do you scare a man? |
Category: MenRating: 0 0
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
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