Welcome to the Medical jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Migraine Cure |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
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| Labour Pains |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
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| Being Poisoned! |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
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| Crazy Patients |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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| Cremate Me |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
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| Medical Advancement |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking
for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half
a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them
looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us.
We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House,
and now half the country is looking for work.
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| By My Side |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
Her husband had been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
She just smiled and held his hand.
He then continued, saying "When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
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| Emergency doctor visit |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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| Pretty Bad News |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
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| A Brief History Of Medicine |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A short history of medicine:
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
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| Good and Bad News |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
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| Psychiatric Hotline |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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| An Orgasmic Problem |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
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| A Mother at 65! |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
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| Blonde Nurse |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
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| Breast Enlargement |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."
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| Arthritis is so cruel |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."
"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
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| Lethal Food |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
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| Dentist Visit |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife.."Show him, honey."
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| Boy or Girl |
Category: MedicalRating: 0 0
In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"
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