Welcome to the Marriage jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Age difference |
Category: MarriageRating: 4 1
What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
|
| Was your wife a virgin when you married? |
Category: MarriageRating: 3 0
"Was your wife a virgin when you married?"
"I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no."
|
| Deadly disease |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry
biker to one of his buddies.
"No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore."
The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"
|
| Wife-taming method |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's
always sound asleep."
|
| What a Woman Really Needs |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right
thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits,
and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said
that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand,
and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this
is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what
time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
|
| A girl runs home to her mother crying... |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an
atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! "Don't worry,
Honey," said her mom. "But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! "Don't
worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"
|
| A bloke came home and found his missus in bed... |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.
"Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them.
"Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.
|
| Two mates are having a chat over a beer... |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
Two mates are having a chat over a beer.
"Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?"
one bloke asks his friend.
"No way!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke,
"do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"
"Fuck no!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke,
"what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"
|
| How about a bridal? |
Category: MarriageRating: 0 0
"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We
were married this morning."
"Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?"
"No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang
of it."
|
| Twenty men die and go to heaven... |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told
to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are
under their wives control and they other for those that control
their wives.
After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are
nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.
The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his
independence.
"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"
|
| Good News, Bad News, Worse News VIII |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VIII
Good:
You came home for a quickie
Bad:
The postman had the same idea
Worse:
You have to wait
|
| If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you... |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,
what have you usually done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
|
| On their first night to be together... |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do
you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
picture".
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
|
| Simple Curiosity |
Category: MarriageRating: 0 0
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife
hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in
fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but
to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
|
| Made for each other |
Category: MarriageRating: 1 0
A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line
dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and
he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.
|
| A henpecked husband... |
Category: MarriageRating: 0 0
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go
home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs
and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another
thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
|
| What should you say if he asks you Am I your first? |
Category: MarriageRating: 0 0
What should you say if he asks you "Am I your first"?
"You might be - you look familiar"
|
| A sad mourner |
Category: MarriageRating: 0 0
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started
back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted
to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The
first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For
whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in
that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why
did you die?"
|
| A couple married forty years were revisiting the... |
Category: MarriageRating: 0 0
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places
they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded
countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did
here forty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and
he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They
made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved
like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"
|
| A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right... |
Category: MarriageRating: 0 0
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets
himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and
wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever
saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at
this, it's still in the CRATE !"
|
Pages:
|
|
