Welcome to the Males jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Birthday Gift |
Category: Males
Two guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
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| Anniversary |
Category: Males
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."
Frustrated he finally asks, "Well what would you like for your anniversary?"
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies "Sorry dear, I wasn't planning to spend that much."
|
| Nude Gallery |
Category: MalesRating: 1 0
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
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| Hanging Loose |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
|
| Cleaning Money |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd on my trousers too".
|
| Bending Drunk |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
|
| Who's Child Is It? |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
|
| Improvement |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to
stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"
remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough
for me." |
| Dogs and Men |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. |
| Expensive Prostitute |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
|
| Ten Dollars |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars." |
| Old Man's Confession |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!"
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| Animal Orgasm |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell." |
| A Transplant |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!". |
| Mistakes Of Another |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”
“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.
“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.” |
| Rubber Thingy |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." |
| Late Adultery |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81 years old, married, with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father", replied the old man, "I'm Jewish".
"So why are you telling ME all that?!" asked the priest.
"Well," answered the man, "I'm telling everybody!" |
| Mickey Mouse Divorcing |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!" |
| Pick-up Lines |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!? Wanna do lunch?
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"
Can I have directions to your heart?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Do you want to see something really swell?
Your hair is perfectly pH balanced.
Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, you don't like pizza?
At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No?) Wink.
Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
Excuse me, do you want to screw, or should I apologize?
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?
Here's a quarter....call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.
Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.
I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
So... How am I doing?
I go down on the first date, how about you?
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?
I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today, and your name was there.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.
There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
I'm like American Express; you don't want to leave home without me.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
If you cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays?
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Is your daddy a thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?
Just call me milk; I'll do your body good.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
My love for you is like the Energizer bunny with its batteries in backwards: it keeps coming and coming.
Hi, my name is . That's so you'll know what to scream.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Nice shoes. Want to screw?
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
Pull my finger.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
The first time is always the hardest.
The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Want to play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.
Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
You don't want to dance? I guess a screw is out of the question.
You know what would look good on you? Me.
I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.
You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the bomb.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
You must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.
Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight. |
| Knowing The Difference |
Category: MalesRating: 0 0
Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?"
"No", says the secretary.
"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says. |
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