Welcome to the Male Jokes jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Jack Or Jill |
Category: Male Jokes
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.
|
| Black Powder |
Category: Male Jokes
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you." |
| Snails |
Category: Male Jokes
A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.
Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honor our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".
The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."
So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails.
On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this backet of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.
He starts running like crazy carrying the bocket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bocket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.
When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:
"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..." |
| Paranoia |
Category: Male JokesRating: 8 1
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'" |
| Elbow Problem |
Category: Male JokesRating: 8 0
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better. |
| Fired Secretary |
Category: Male JokesRating: 8 0
One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
"Two weeks ago," I said, "was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.
"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.'
"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'
"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.'
"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.
"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks."
|
| Sitting In The Car |
Category: Male JokesRating: 8 0
A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.
The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.
"Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"
"Reading a magazine, of course."
"How old are you?" asks the officer.
"I'm 28."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18." |
| Toilet Paper |
Category: Male JokesRating: 7 0
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man... |
| Drinking Like Crazy |
Category: Male JokesRating: 7 0
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" |
| Before It Starts |
Category: Male JokesRating: 5 0
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She does.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'
The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'
|
| The Hitman |
Category: Male JokesRating: 5 0
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.
As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.
The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."
About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.
So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.
They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."
So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.
Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"
The hitman replies, "Sure."
So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"
This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.
The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?
The hitman replies, "Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"
|
| Open Fly |
Category: Male JokesRating: 4 0
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!" |
| 3 Last Requests |
Category: Male JokesRating: 4 0
A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him.
The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.
The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.
He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!' |
| Headache Cure |
Category: Male JokesRating: 4 0
One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.
A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"
The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home." |
| Bigger Breasts |
Category: Male JokesRating: 4 0
A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.
"but how am I going to get bigger breasts?" she asks.
"That's simple", he says, "just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day".
"And that would do it?", the surprised wife wonders.
"Well,", answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!". |
| Nakes Costume |
Category: Male Jokes
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a young naked woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young naked woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle." |
| Mircale Worker |
Category: Male JokesRating: 3 0
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
|
| Special Price |
Category: Male JokesRating: 2 0
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it
will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper
way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can
knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip
the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to
$20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my
students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" |
| Three Hillbillies |
Category: Male JokesRating: 2 1
Three Hillbillies are settin on a porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy my
wife is so dumb. She's so stupid she went to town today and bought an
air conditioner. Hell, we aint got no electricity!"
The second hillbilly says' "Hell that aint nothin my wife's dumber than
that! She went shoppin yesterday and had a warshin machine
delivered." They all laughed and laughed. Why nobody round here has
any plumin!'
The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman has to be the
dumbest, just this morning I was looking through her purse for some
change and found six rubbers. Hell, she aint got no pecker!" |
| Muscular Man |
Category: Male JokesRating: 2 0
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
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