Welcome to the Lawers and Legal jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Guilty as sin |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 1 0
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused
because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I
immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
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| Where lawers come from |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 1 0
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can
you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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| The way he died |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he
have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he
wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and
asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the
lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied,
"When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same
way."
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| Marrying and divorcing in Heaven |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"
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| Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question... |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I
know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very
quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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| An old man was critically ill... |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
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| A clever court case |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
road when they
saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
One of the men
turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night
with her." To their
surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll
take you up on
that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
companion 'good
night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
to bed. The following
morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
money."If you
don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed,
saying, "I'd like to see
you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive
a summons
ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
to his atorney and
explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't
possibly get a judgment
against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
case will be
presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
court as follows:-
Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
property, a garden spot
surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
rent to the Defendant
for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
Defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
which it was rented, but
upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
amount. The rent was by
no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
Judgment be
granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
Defendant's lawyer was
impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
His defense was,
therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
present it.
Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
property,that he did rent
such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
his stones,
erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
personally. We claim
these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
unpaid amount and that the
plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
rental of the said
property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
agrees that the
Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
improvements such as my
opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
existed, he would
not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
Defendant removed
his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
doing, he not only
dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
the cleaning up, but
he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
making it very easily
accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be
granted.
SHE GOT IT!
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| Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground? |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?
Because deep down, they are really nice guys.
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| Guilty |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
Guilty
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be
convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at
his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I
made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable
doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires
to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a
representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the
lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client
didn't."
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| Question: What is 1 + 2? |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
Question: What is 1 + 2 ?
Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,
you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.
Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.
Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.
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| A lawyer named Strange died... |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that
such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
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| On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital... |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him
sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What are
you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.
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| An airliner was having engine trouble... |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and
get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
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| What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
Perfect setup for skeet shooting.
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| A man walked into a lawyer's office and... |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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| A guy in a bar |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
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| In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller... |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly
started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the
man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that
you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy
replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?"
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| Trial Of The Century |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals
Objectionable Methods
By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257
BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.
JUDGE: To what?
DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also
have no objections at this time.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some-
thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.
PROSECUTION: The people do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
PROSECUTION: Do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!
JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Where were we?
JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."
PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.
DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the
defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.
Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe
that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.
(A murmer runs through the courtroom.)
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this
courtroom!
BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly
ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving.
The people request permission to stick him with a pin.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssss
JUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-
able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.
JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?
DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV
show!
JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.
DEFENSE: Which one?
JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.
PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your
book advance.
EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
$350,000.
PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?
EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to
play us.
PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis-
sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.
DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be
played by Demi Moore?
PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?
EXPERT WITNESS: I am.
PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this
way, or the way the people wore it before?
EXPERT WITNESS: This way.
JUDGE: What about my beard?
EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more
impressive facial hair on a coconut.
(Laughter.)
JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?
BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you
identify this item for the court?
EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging
to the defendant.
DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!
PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.
EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either
way.
PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert
words, what "DNA" stands for?
EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.
PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or
poppy seed at the scene of the...
EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!
(Another murmer runs through the court.)
GUN: BANG!
BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!
DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National
Enquirer.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to
track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask
the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.
JUDGE: Of course.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we
cannot...
JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?
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| 45 or 82? |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
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| Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? |
Category: Lawers and LegalRating: 0 0
Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand!
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