Welcome to the Historical Stuff jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Why did Cleopatra take milk baths? |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 1 0
Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?
She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.
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| Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe
case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the
partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by
providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put
this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by
the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and
that is gonna be painful as hell to get out."
So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the
night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her
fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1..2...3am and no sign of Cinderella.
Finally she comes home at 4am. The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What
on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon. I've
been worried sick about you."
"Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named
Peter-Peter."
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| A theological debate |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or
leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope
said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him
that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to
show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind
me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe "How did
you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three
days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that
the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
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| Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history.
He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing
where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all
on borrowed money.
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| Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in
an afro -- a large bush-style hairdoo -- to show support for civil
rights.
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced
that he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing,
sneered, "Great... just great... now during foreplay I'll have
to look for a needle in a haystack."
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| Psychoanalysis |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a
coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst
out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me
I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a
married man!"
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| What's black and crispy and comes on a stick? |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc.
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| It goes way back |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the
rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why
did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that
gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same
jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old
long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The
United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war
chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with
it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two
warhorses.
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| It was the age when knighthood was in flower... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
It was the age when knighthood was in flower.
A young lady was pounding away at a piece of
iron with a sledgehammer. Another young lady
saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first one answered, "I'm making socks and
sweater for some soldier boy!"
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| This is not meant to be crude... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and
enjoyment.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant
mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
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| History of the United States |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
History of the United States
by David Hyatt
J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe
copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many
major newspapers. They call the campaign "Write if you want work."
My response to the question, "Write the history of the
United States in 100 words or less":
Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration.
Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration.
Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration.
Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination.
Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation.
Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection.
Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League
of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization.
Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed
Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration.
Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation.
Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas
Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution.
Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation.
Obliteration. Glorification. Education?
Copyright 1992 David Hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the
same test!
|
| After the fall in Garden of Eden... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and
Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys
asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate
us out of house and home."
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| Large Indian mural |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed
to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on
complete secrecy.
When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all
over the prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the
mural is a rendering of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all
them fuckin' Indians!"
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| If you cloned Henry IV... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?
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| During the World War II... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by
the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a
hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go
down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at
least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would
you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick
against the table?"
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out
and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table,
a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were
the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator,
"Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The
navigator told him.
The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick
of yours. The torpedo missed!"
|
| Ancients rule! |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
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| Back in the turn of the century in a mining town... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west,
a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realised that
she was not in the general store so she started to turn
around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy
seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, "Come
on over, Ma'am, sit yerself down right here next to me and
have yerself a drink.
"Thank you kindly Sir, but I'm afraid that I couldn't,"
replied the woman, "on account that I need to get bread."
The cowboy replied, "Uh, Ma'am, I do reckon you came to the
right place for that!"
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| It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson country home... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson's country home that the
family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, "You're
looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant
and effervescent?"
"Having such a popular husband, of course."
"Surely there must be more to it than that, madam."
"Well, there's Old Hickory's dickery, doc."
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| Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
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| During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape... |
Category: Historical StuffRating: 0 0
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf.
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"
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