Welcome to the Foreign jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man... |
Category: ForeignRating: 1 0
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
|
| At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells
the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems
and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews
have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?
|
| A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New
York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a
Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I
would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"
|
| Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know
where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts
his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says
"We're just over Paris"
"How do you know" ask the others
"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"
"How?" asks the others
"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the
plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."
"How do you know that?" comes the reply.
"Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"
|
| Greedy Kiwi |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....
"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".
The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"
|
| What goes in and out and smells of piss? |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
What goes in and out and smells of piss?
The Queen Mother
|
| A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.
REPORTER:
Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?
SCOTSMAN:
Certainly...
REPORTER:
Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?
SCOTSMAN:
Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.
You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I
built more than half of them myself, but do they call me
Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.
And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don't.
But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....
|
| During the Six Day War... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across
the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing
along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The
commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run
up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the
advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general
stops the troops and waits to see what happens.
Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to
investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be
seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find
out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune,
too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire
division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.
But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and
cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's
hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"
|
| Made in Canada |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's
favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power
to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10" long and
4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up
and called the President of Trojan Condoms.
"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send
'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at
least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM'
on each one."
|
| A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
|
| A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly
he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.
He stops, bangs on the window and says,"So, what does this cost ??!!".
And the hooker replies,"25 dollars !!".
And the Pollock said ,"Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated
windows !!".
|
| Australia... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
Australia.
Where men are real men
And sheep are scared shitless
And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different
|
| A Drunk Scottsman |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home
from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and
sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In
the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school
when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls
get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not
wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes
a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a
nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school.
A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He
finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He
says in his scotish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya
won first prize."
Sent by Alvin
|
| What is the meaning of "sanctity"? |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
What is the meaning of "sanctity"?
It's french, for a lady with five breasts.
Sent by Darrell
|
| A novel idea |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS
country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from
there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"
|
| What is the difference between a English actuary and... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
|
| A rural Frenchman was on trial... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?"
|
| The wedding is off...no on! |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a
young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were
somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off,
sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he
shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests
repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for
free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and
approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of
beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The
guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the
other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All
right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed
back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride,
and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg
of beer."
|
| Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."
|
| A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel... |
Category: ForeignRating: 0 0
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed:
"Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown,
but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."
|
Pages:
|
|
