Welcome to the Food and Drink jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece... |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on
those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
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| A waitress walks up to one of her tables in... |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen
seated there are furiously masturbating.
She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are
all berry hungry."
The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in
the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other Japanese men replies,
"The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
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| What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.
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| What do you call two banana peelings? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
What do you call two banana peelings?
A PAIR OF SLIPPERS
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| A bowl of chili |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee.
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee,
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the
stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds.
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said
"I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."
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| How did you find your steak, sir? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir,"?
Young Man: "Quite accidentally, I assure you.
I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was."
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| Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
---------------------------------
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man
volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is
put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on
a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it
to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check
the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night
off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there's just no pleasing some women.
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| What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
A. Finding half a worm.
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| Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you
.swear you'll never do it again.
|
| A customer walks into a restaurant and notices... |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he
hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this --
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
|
| Christmas Cookie Ingredients |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Christmas Cookie Ingredients
1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka
Sample the Absolute to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level
cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar, beat again. At this
point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup,
just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in 1 cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off
floor... mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Absolut to
check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Who
giveshz a sheet. Check the Absolute. Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!
|
| How do you prepare your chickens? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just
tell them straight out that they're going to die."
|
| Ordering Pizza in 2010 |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010
This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2010 that
we're not sure how funny this really is...
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is
sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?
Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Custo mer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add
only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All Meat
Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your
2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
4, 2005, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge Oh yes, I see
here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional
Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut.
|
| What is hard and hairy on the outside... |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, begins
with the letter 'c' ends with the letter 't' and has the letters 'u' & 'n' in
the middle?
A coconut.
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| If they squeeze olives to get olive oil... |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, then how do they get baby oil?
|
| What's red and invisible? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
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| HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!
(The Thanksgiving Special)
Step 1:Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turk
Sent by Alex
|
| Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters... |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
|
| A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City... |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve
beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt
pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,
and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
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| What's another name for pickled bread? |
Category: Food and DrinkRating: 0 0
What's another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough!
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