Welcome to the Drunks jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Alcohol as a substitute for a woman |
Category: DrunksRating: 2 0
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for
women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the
bottle."
|
| A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head... |
Category: DrunksRating: 2 0
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head
feels just like my wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're
right!"
|
| What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? |
Category: DrunksRating: 2 0
What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.
|
| A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the
highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that
tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
|
| Kick-ass sermon |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
|
| Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she
jumped into her car and sped away.
On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she
decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the
penis as far as she could and sped away again.
Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to
cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis
hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the
two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned
to the other and said, "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the
Mosquito?"
|
| A man had been drinking at the bar for hours... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something
about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his
girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and
walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the
bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's
me!"
|
| Drunk walks into elevator... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down,
lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,
and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''
|
| Lost all my luggage |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
|
| A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"
|
| There was a drunk man walking down the street turning... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys."
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?"
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"
|
| A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down
a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't
you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the
Indians
|
| A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,
then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.
I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later
another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but
two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped
him:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a
party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"
the whiskey replied.
And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"
|
| The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last
test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed
up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by
the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing
and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard ask:
"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out
of a ghost."
|
| A rather novel way to... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
trying to make him vomit."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
THROAT!"
The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"
|
| An old drunk stumbles into a confessional... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything
for a while the
Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no
paper in here either.
|
| This guys is sitting at the end of a bar... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in
the door he says,
rapidly,"Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually
ask him what it was
he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off
looking confused. A
drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I
see what'cher
doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you
say, Tickle your
ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you
say, terribly nasty
weather." So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people
on. Come on down
here and you do the next one that comes in." The drunk moves down to
the end of the bar.
In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather
up your ass? She
said, ìexcuse me, what did you say?î He says, ìcan you believe this
fucking weather?î
|
| Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this
party they were at
the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got
home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was
pulled over and given
a DUI! 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I
picked up a
prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys
don't understand!
Chunks is my dog.
|
| A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar... |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to
Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to
Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62,
too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going
on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
again."
|
| Out All Night Drinking |
Category: DrunksRating: 1 0
Out All Night Drinking
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
|
Pages:
|
|
