Welcome to the Criminals jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| A guy's on the electric chair... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 3 0
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch
when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last
requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)
could you please do something to scare me?"
|
| This businessman was walking down the sidewalk... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 2 0
This businessman was walking down the sidewalk when a jet black van
stopped by him. The guys pulled the man inside, stripped him of all his
clothes till he was butt naked, threw him back outside, and then slammed
the door shut taking off.
Five miles later the men look outside and see the businessman running
right beside the van. The thought "oh well". So they drove on for another
five miles, and once again they saw the businessman running beside their
van. So this time they pulled over, opened the door, and asked the man,
"Hey, how can you run so fast?" He replied, "You would to if your dick was
stuck in the door.
|
| Police arrested two kids yesterday... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 1
Police arrested two kids yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
|
| Knock, knock! |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 1
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
An escaped serial killer!
|
| What is the difference between a boy and a girl? |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.
|
| The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for
a rape suspect. When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy
shouts,"That's her! That's her!"
|
| Last Request |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and
a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning
to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Sent by Zena
|
| Joint sentence |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said
to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I
have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my
old man."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll
sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice
in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both
to 90 days in jail."
|
| It's not a dance |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
Two prisoners were having a chat.
The first one said. "I've go two tickets for the warden's ball, Do you
want to buy one?"
"No thanks, mate," said the second guy. "I can't dance."
"It's not a dance, mate," said the first prisoner. "It's a raffle!"
|
| Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and
son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the
car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled.
"What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered,
"Your mother wants to eat first!"
|
| Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they
will pass their time in jail.
The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play
all my favorite songs on this."
The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker
with myself with these."
The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here
that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."
|
| Paddy was picked up on a rape charge... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into
the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her!
I'd recognize her anywhere!"
|
| Poor batman! |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the
bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and
break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on
the floor, the guy looks down and says:
You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.
|
| A judge asked a defendant to please stand... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
when I needed to borrow one!"
|
| The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to... |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to
come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed
his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward
and say, "Give me all your money...and I need some change in quarters,
nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was
the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out,
"That isn't what I said."
|
| An amazing foreboding |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he
was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
|
| Love to Death |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very
little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is
suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his
personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all
the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable
poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get
life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her
coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too
much. She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three
weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's
house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.
The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "What
the Hell happened ???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day
and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim
and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her
husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew
she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
|
| A loving couple |
Category: CriminalsRating: 1 0
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as
her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I
go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend
Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the
one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one
who poisoned you."
|
| The painful execution |
Category: CriminalsRating: 0 0
The huge black dude was getting ready for the electric chair -
he had been found guilty of rape and murder. The witnesses to
the execution were astonished when the prisoner's pant leg was
cut and a tiny electrode was prepared to be placed on his penis.
"Hey don't look so surprised" the condemned man said.
"Yours would shrink and shrivel up too it you were about to be zapped!"
|
| A new scam |
Category: CriminalsRating: 0 0
WARNING!
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman
comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing
this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find
them on Sunday.
|
Pages:
|
|
