Welcome to the Computer Related jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 1 1
Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget
some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:
* 0.5 Miss Worlds,
* 2.5 supermodels,
* 463 wild nymphos,
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,
* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and
tastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent
her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial
expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since
he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to
whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only
interest women) just so that you can bonk her.
No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like
marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
|
| What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess... |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a
computer?
A: A computer that never goes down on you.
|
| From Boyfriend to Husband upgrade |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
***************************************
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave
files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3.
--Tech Support
|
| The Irish Virus |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
An actual mailing:
Greetings,
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor
system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this
virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation.
|
| Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to... |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be
refereed to as "HE" because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better
model.
The group of men reported that computers should be refered to
as "SHE" because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is
incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
|
| What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer? |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer?
A fuckin know-it-all!
|
| Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Glossary Terms
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0
|
| Pest-by-Modem |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Pest-by-Modem
Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:
*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like
IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show
that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for
anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to
explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO
THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO
USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
BEING HERE!!!!!!!
*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and
point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of
their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"
do it again. Continue until they go away.
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."
*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them
names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.
Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take
bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.
*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an
unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a
discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation
that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to
ignore you.
|
| Chain Letter Type III |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Chain Letter Type III
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass
this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will
happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it
. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some
people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both
died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both
cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To
You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter
to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and
then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3
children and lived happily ever after.
Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with
his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at
the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3
children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they
got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child
support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his
car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.
|
| If IBM made toasters... |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.
|
| Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated? |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Q: Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?
A: He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to work
with UNIX.
|
| If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster,
which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
|
| We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a... |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to
the internet, we know this is not true.
|
| The Technologically Challenged |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
The Technologically Challenged
Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
meant to remove Disk 1 first.
|
| Thank you for the emails |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
THANK YOU
Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!
It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!
Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out
from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the
arse out of 40-gallon drum.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with a disease.
I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using
deodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have
to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with
calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are
nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that
are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their
wares.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would
get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody
- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a
nap in a bathtub full of ice.
However, the police are also after me at present because you said not
to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program.
It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and
neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am
positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to
follow and I got a curse.
|
| Computer Ease! |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Computer Ease!
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
|
| Chain Letter Type lI |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!!
(This is where you have to scroll down)
Really, go on and make one wish!!!
Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not *that* either, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain
number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because
, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes.
Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them
a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid
chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you
for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
|
| A helicopter was flying around above Seattle... |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".
|
| The Numbers of the Beast |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
The Numbers of the Beast
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
|
| Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch: |
Category: Computer RelatedRating: 0 0
Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch:
You Decide
__________
| ______ |
________ | | | |
| ______ | 'But that isn't a fair | | | |
|| || comparison. People | |______| |
||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.' | |
| o o | | _ _ _ _ _|
|________| (|__________|
| ________)_
Roger Earl [^] | |
roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________|
After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison,
similar to the other great computer wars.
Etch-A-Sketch Mac Classic
No. of Colours 2 2
Resolution ~2000*~2000 512 * 342
No. of buttons 2 1
Preemptive Multitasking Yes No
Hardware line draw Yes No
Price < $20 ~ $1000
Power Consumption No Yes
Laptop Yes No
Slow Operating System No Yes
Non Volatile Memory Yes No
Choice of Coloured box Yes No
Robust design (shakeable) Yes No
After considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.
For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that the
Etch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in fact
be faster than the true E-A-S.
|
Pages:
|
|
