Welcome to the Computer jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Computer Support Problems |
Category: ComputerRating: 2 1
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:
1. Describe your problem:
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2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
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3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
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4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Locked Up
B. ___Frozen
C. ___Hung
D. ___Strange Smell
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
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17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
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18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
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19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__
24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __
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| Girl Friend 1.0 |
Category: ComputerRating: 1 0
Subject: -What software version are you running?
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.
I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.
It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
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| Dot Com Mergers |
Category: ComputerRating: 1 0
In the aftermath of the AOL/Time-Warner merger, it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies:
Disney
Data General
United Health Care.
The names of the new mega company will be:
Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.
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| New Viruses on the loose! |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
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| Computer Gender |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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| Is Windows a Virus |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
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| Dear God... |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me..
My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbours cat.
My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!
But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!
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| Eunichs |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in the next seat, "..and where are you going?"
"I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replies.
"Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I didn't know there were that many of you."
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| Chaos |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib.
This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
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| Email Anonymous |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
You laugh at people with 28.8 baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)
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| Email Commandments |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
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| Heaven And Hell |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
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| Cup Holder |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs.
"The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!"
The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders.
So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it..."
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| Downturn in the StockMarket |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
Telltale signs of a downturn in the Stockmarket...
=> NASDAQ seen in waterfront dive getting gooned on port shooters.
=> You've just called your investment house and the first thing they tell you is the soup of the day.
=> U.S. dollar and foil covered chocolate pirate doubloons currently on par.
=> Dow Jones now stripping in gay bar under the name Wow Jones.
=> Next parade down wall street, CEOs still fling tickertape from windows, only now don't bother taking it out of their pockets.
=> Alan Greenspan has personally adopted a pesos-only policy.
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| Computer Problem |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it.
After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine.
One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"
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| Ad Space |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows.
Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning.
We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
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| Gates and Lightbulb |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.
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| Give a Man a Fish |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach him to use the Internet, and he won'tv bother you for weeks!
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| Essential Disk Care Guide |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks.
A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes.
This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
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| GM Like Computer Industry |
Category: ComputerRating: 0 0
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
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