Welcome to the Children jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 3 0
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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| This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 2 0
This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny
wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is
being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little
closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the
dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly.
Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there,
but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's
neck."
"Yeah," the kid replied."But I wouldn't have a siren."
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| Better than playing doctor |
Category: ChildrenRating: 1 0
Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.
Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum.
Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?"
Johnny replied, "NO, that too old fashioned.
Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."
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| To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 1 0
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells
her it'll make her fat. I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. If I bite my
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" You'll be fatter than
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, Excuse me,
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, No, but I know what you've
been doing..."
Sent by Max
|
| Count till fifty |
Category: ChildrenRating: 1 0
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock"
scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the
classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now
we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our
eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on
the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the
children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very
slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their
eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But
below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes
again!"
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| One day the teacher decides to play an animal game... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good
Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on
this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and
says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next
she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized
the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
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| Little Johnny was in class again... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 1 0
Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
tell me a sentence
with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
definitely blue." "Thats
not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
Young Sally tried :"The
grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
brown too!"
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
lumps?" The
teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
about?" So Johnny
says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"
|
| Drawing God |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
|
| A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A
large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,
"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."
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| A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders.
"Where is God?"
The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.
"Okay, Mary, Where is God?"
"He is everywhere,"
"Very good thats right."
But still there were two children that didnt put their hands down,
so the teacher continued.
"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"
"God is inside me."
"Very good thats right."
Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand.
He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.
"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"
"Hes in our bathroom."
Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know hes in the bathroom?"
The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says,
My God are you still in there? "
|
| A young teenager comes home from school... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
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| Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting
on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of
fucking his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection
with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny
asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"
His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.",
to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
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| A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom
& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry
detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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| THE IRS LETTER... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
THE IRS LETTER...
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.
Sincerly,
|
| A little boy was excited about his first day at school... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A little boy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to
the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if
he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but
asked him to be quick.
Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.
The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram
to where he should go and asked him if he will be able
to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"
and goes on his way.
Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says
to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So two fellas go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
Jon, "Well, did you find it?"
Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his
boxer shorts on backwards"
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| When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."
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| A small boy was lost, so he went up... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a
policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
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| A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a
drawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother
finally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked "Who's
that you're drawing, son?"
The son answered, "God."
"Don't be silly," reproved the mother. "Nobody knows what God
looks like."
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly,
"They will when I'm finished!"
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| Little Johnny is in class. The teacher... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet,
having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get
to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything
dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.
"Womb!", Little Johnny says.
"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies
come from?" she asks.
"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're
screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"
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| This guy and his girlfriend are fighting... |
Category: ChildrenRating: 0 0
This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up
with you." "Why??"
he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile".
He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10
year old."
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