Welcome to the Books jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? |
Category: BooksRating: 1 0
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
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| How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It
went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next
sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous
sentence." It didn't sell very well. I thought with the short attention
span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The
2nd edition went: "To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence."
It's doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is
going to go: "Re-read this line." Now, if I could just find the time to
write it.
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| A bowlegged man |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man
who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at
the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read
a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished
reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him out again to the mall shopping.
Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last
time.
So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are
these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
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| So you're writing a down-to-earth story? |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
"So you're writing a down-to-earth story?"
"Yes, about a parachute jumper."
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| What was Moby Dick's father's name? |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
What was Moby Dick's father's name?
Papa Boner.
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| Why does Peter Pan Fly? |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
And now, from our favourite fairy-tales....
Why does Peter Pan Fly?
You'd fly to if you got hit in the peter with a pan.
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| Heard about Salman Rushdie's sequels to "Satanic Verses"? |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
Heard about Salman Rushdie's sequels to "Satanic Verses"?
1) Buddha, you Fat Fucking Bastard,
2) Jesus was a Lousy Carpenter.
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| Who's got long blonde hair and big tits... |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
Who's got long blonde hair and big tits,
and lives in Melbourne, Australia?
Salman Rushdie.
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| A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle... |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting
under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing
away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the
man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
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| What is green and purple and wants revenge? |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
What is green and purple and wants revenge?
The Grapes of Wrath
Sent by Diane
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| Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
Review: The Cat in the Hat
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry
in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and
bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green
Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With
Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the
pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud
in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young
children understand their own frustrated sexuality.
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister,
abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the
window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a
large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting
the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual
yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the
most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the
incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's
probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs.
The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in
what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point,
the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the
prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children,
and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers
associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In
response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic
naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying,
"Down with morality; down with God!"
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged
Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of
Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old
and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic
reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when
their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic
Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus
completes the Oedipal triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's
box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One,
or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that
serves as the conscious mediator between the person and
reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward
and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience,
and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at
this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the
children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the
reader to re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego
allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or
more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage
continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the
mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that
existed before her abandonment of the children. At this
point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which
represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put
the two youngsters' lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces
Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an
easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of
words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid
counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style
is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to
put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one
can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after
multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master
becomes apparent.
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| Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
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| Best Analogies Ever Written |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
Best Analogies Ever Written
Originally from a
Washintgon Post Contest
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
contest. (Actually most of them are similes --but... whatever)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
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| From one of Tom Clancy books... |
Category: BooksRating: 0 0
From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???"
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"
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