Welcome to the Bar jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| $1000 Competition |
Category: Bar
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
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| Drunk Driver 2 |
Category: Bar
A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk.
He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path.
A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street.
The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away.
The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road.
The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officer's amazement - the guy was stone cold sober.
"I can't believe it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???"
"Oh that's easy", replies the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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| All You Can Drink |
Category: Bar
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.
He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket.
When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
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| A Round For The House |
Category: Bar
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.
He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
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| Can I Smell Something |
Category: Bar
A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"
The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"
The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."
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| Cheap Beer |
Category: Bar
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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| Bar Joke |
Category: Bar
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.
Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.
Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.
The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."
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| Death in the Family |
Category: BarRating: 9 0
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months?
How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
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| 2 Drunk Guys |
Category: BarRating: 6 0
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: Where are you from?
I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
Of Course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?
Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
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| A Really Bad Day |
Category: BarRating: 5 0
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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| Selling the Wife |
Category: BarRating: 4 0
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
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| 5 Stages of Being Drunk |
Category: BarRating: 1 0
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.
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| What You Got |
Category: BarRating: 1 0
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."
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| Drunk and Arthritis |
Category: BarRating: 0 0
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest.
The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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| Alcoholic Side Effects |
Category: BarRating: 0 0
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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| Spent Paycheck |
Category: BarRating: 0 0
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
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| Sotally Tober |
Category: BarRating: 0 0
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.
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| Proud Texan Father |
Category: BarRating: 0 0
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
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| The Buffalo Theory |
Category: BarRating: 0 0
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
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| Best Friend |
Category: BarRating: 0 0
A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies.
"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
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